New Year's Resolutions

The new year has begun, and in many people's opinion, one should start it with prepared New Year's resolutions. When I hear about this, I feel myself twisting inside.

This twisting inside is caused by a mixture of anger, some kind of regret, reluctance, and maybe a bit of defiance. And a desire to somehow cast off this necessity of doing something that I don't associate with anything good.

As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), I have this strange imperative within me that compels me to try to conform. To what? To various ideas tossed around by society, and on a micro scale – by people both close and distant. There is still a strong desire in me to fit in. In various ways, even those that aren't particularly comfortable for me.

I twist inside when I'm offered a second helping at a family dinner. Not wanting to offend the family, while at the same time wanting to leave the table without a feeling of heaviness in my stomach. I feel similarly when someone asks me questions that, on one hand, I could answer, but on the other – I simply don't feel like it at the moment.

So I am twisting now as well, as I feverishly wonder: what can I plan for this new year? What goals can I set for myself?

New year, new me, the same concert of wishes

The last days of December usually pass in an atmosphere of a certain anxiety. I feel drawn to sit down and plan something. To come up with something I could do for myself in the new year. Traditionally, I excuse myself with Christmas fatigue and wake up on the first of January without an idea of what to do next.

So, I construct something hastily, and then I experience disappointment related to not achieving those goals.

When I hear the words "New Year's resolutions", my associations immediately drift toward two spectacular goals that demonstrate willpower. These are: losing weight and quitting something (smoking, drinking alcohol, watching TV). These are goals whose achievement can evoke admiration and recognition from those around me. Making my own list, besides the traditional items meant to evoke admiration (losing weight and limiting time spent in front of the computer), I add others that are completely unsuited to my needs.

This year is different, however. I have more space to focus on myself, on what I need. Reflecting on what I want to achieve in 2021, I have the impression that these hastily defined goals have only one purpose.

That purpose is to construct an appropriate response for those who ask me about New Year's resolutions.

So once again, it's about fitting in, about experiencing recognition from others. About proving to myself and the world that I can adapt to how neurotypical people function.

On the other hand, the experiences of recent months suggest to me that I can do a lot to fit in, and yet I still won't feel good about it. Not to mention that such efforts usually do not bring the desired peace, but rather more comments from those around me. A new need has awakened in me - a need to put on good hiking boots for my life's journey. Previously, I felt the pressure to wear stilettos and pretend that I walked in them perfectly.

"My" New Year's resolution

In her doctoral dissertation, Moshontz de la Rocha (2020) reviews research related to New Year's resolutions. According to researchers, they aim to bring us closer to our ideal "self" or distance us from states that are undesirable for us. We can therefore have motivation directed towards achieving a goal or towards avoiding something unpleasant.

Depending on our psychological makeup and our system of values, goals will differ from one another. They will be more or less elaborate, time-bound (shorter, longer) or undefined, easier or harder. Sometimes they will be concrete achievements (company growth, losing a few extra pounds), other times we will move within the sphere of values (e.g., love and the statement "I want to show love to my family better"). The areas of development will also vary – relationships, professional development, educational achievements, changes in the area of finance, health, community, spirituality.

Although the aforementioned research shows how diverse the goals we set for ourselves can be, how varied these New Year's resolutions are, it is difficult for me to step outside certain frameworks. In the back of my mind, thoughts representing others' expectations regarding my appearance, my work, and how I organize my life still resonate. Only distancing myself from them allows me to focus on the new year and on what is "mine" in it.

However, there is still a lot to be done. By discovering what is "mine", I am opening a nearly bottomless pit. There are many ideas, and my attention shifts from one idea to another. This chaos paralyzes my actions. Therefore, making my dreams and expectations realistic becomes an important area of my work. Making them concrete, so I can focus on a limited number of ideas.

New Year without resolutions

Summarizing the previous year, I see that acting in response to specific challenges serves me better. The changes introduced were a consequence of various situations I wanted to face and emerge from stronger. I didn't need specific dates – I simply reacted depending on the circumstances, knowing (more or less) where I was heading.

Maybe it's related to high sensitivity and (almost) constant vigilance and mindfulness? I am discovering that I indeed do not need the turn of the calendar year to motivate me to take certain actions. Motivation is something I work on every day. Therefore, this year I am focusing on my comfort in acting. On my own feet, my own boots, and not on the fact that someone wears stilettos and recommends the same to me.

The metaphor of comfortable boots speaks to me strongly. Especially since it is I who walk through my life, not other people. Not those who ask about New Year's resolutions, nor those whose expectations of me were very important to me. Ultimately, I make the decision, and I definitely refuse to put on stilettos! Especially since I have another year of walking through my mental mountains ahead of me.

Listening to myself, I am making three not-quite-New-Year's resolutions. I want to take care of a space for rest, regular reading, and practicing sports. I've been working on this for some time now and I see the first results. Going to sleep earlier is next in line :) My process of change continues.